Emotional Support Sisters

I wrote this in the middle of the night almost 2 months ago at one of the lowest points in my journey. I had multiple diagnosis via blood work and imaging, but had yet to talk to the Dr and come up with a game plan for treatment. I am in a much better place now, but want to share my moment so that if you are at your lowest of lows hopefully you can feel me sitting there with you, not telling you that there is hope but letting you know it is ok to mourn what could have been.

Grief.
This month the life I had planned died. As test results have come in and the puzzle pieces are making a picture I’ve had to bury the life I dreamed of. I’ve held onto hope that someday I would find the person to help me put me back together again. I found that person, but instead of a new me now I have the promise of remission and flair ups. Curing one problem only to make another worse.

I dreamed of volunteering at my kids’ school on a regular basis.  Now I’m lucky if I can remember the schedule for the day without alarms and notifications. I wanted to take my kids on multi-day backpacking trips, kayaking, boating, river rafting, and many other ways of exploring the beautiful world God created. Now I struggle with working up the energy to get them off their electronics.

I dreamed of being a young vibrant grandma that took her grandkids on wild adventures through the great outdoors so my kids could have time to rest. Now I’m already on more meds than most of my kid’s grandparents.

Thinking hurts. Thinking is exhausting. Mental effort causes physical pain.
I wish I could go back and change things, but even if I could go back to the past it is impossible to know thr exact moment when everything changed.

I’m afraid for my children. How much of what I’m going through is genetics.  Will my kids suffer because of my DNA? Will I be able to recognize early symptoms and get them treatment before it becomes life altering? I know it’s not my fault, but it still terrifies me that they could suffer so much.

I feel like I’m abandoning my family even though I’m still here. I want to be the person they need, but I don’t know how.

Missy