Emotional Support Sisters

This is going to be the first of a series of posts Amelia writes over the next couple of weeks.

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Pollyanna, written by Eleanor H. Porter, was first published in 1913. For those unfamiliar with the story, it is about a girl named Pollyanna (shocking, I know) who is orphaned and sent to live with her aunt. Her aunt is a crotchety old woman who disproves of all things good in life (okay, not really, but you get the gist). Pollyanna doesn’t let her trials get her down. Instead, she plays the “Glad Game”, in which she finds something to be glad about in every situation she encounters. One example is when Pollyanna receives crutches as a gift from the missionary aid donation bin. She wanted a doll. She got crutches. Her dad began the glad game by helping Pollyanna recognize that she could be glad that she did not need crutches.

Pollyanna’s optimism, enthusiasm, and positivity end up changing the lives of her aunt and just about everyone she comes into contact with. She is almost a force of nature as she plays her glad game.

I first read this when I was in elementary school, and while I’ve forgotten most of what happens in the book (I had to look up summaries to get any of the details I just mentioned), I remember the unwearying optimism.

And I didn’t get it.

I grew older and was frequently reminded of Pollyanna always looking for the best in a bad situation, teaching me to do the same.

And I still didn’t really get it.

It wasn’t inspirational to me.

And I thought that meant I was doing it wrong or there was something wrong with me. So I tried harder.

I got better at it. I mean, I can fake it with the best of them.

Do any of you know a Pollyanna? I do. She is almost a force of nature. Just like people were drawn to Pollyanna, people see the positivity in my Pollyanna and are drawn to it.

¹“They got my order wrong, but now I get to try something new.”

“I’m so glad that thing fell down and made a ruckus now rather than in the middle of the night when it would scare me awake.”

“I was in the kitchen helping prepare a luncheon for three hours and didn’t get to eat any of the food, but I brought some nuts and a protein drink with me, so I was fine.”

“Things have been really tough lately. I’m so glad that I have family around me to support me.

You can see that these are not all of the same magnitude as the others. Some are instances of refusing to let day-to-day dilemmas affect her. Some (like that last one) are more along the lines of an overall life perspective of gratitude and hope.

When I would, hypothetically speaking, of course, deflate like a sad balloon because someone ate the treat that I’d been looking forward to eating all day, her response would be to encourage me to look at the bright side.

Now, you best believe that I can most definitely think of positive things about just about any situation (I can also find the negative in almost any situation, but that’s beside the point). I’m pretty creative that way.

I CAN find silver linings.

It doesn’t mean I believe them. My brain can think a thought and not believe it.

I can do it right now.

Broccoli is tasty.

I said it. Doesn’t mean I believe it.

Everyone does this, right? 

For years I believed this person’s inexhaustible optimism came from a place of obligation–that she felt it was socially or morally her duty to not burden others with her negativity.

Therefore I was similarly obligated to exude positive vibes only.

It felt phony.

It felt forced.

It felt phony and forced because often when I do it, it is.

You see, I thought it was a facade–that no one is actually that optimistic and positive–and since she did it so consistently I assumed the facade was a permanent fixture. So I put my little facade on and did my best, even when it was not really a part of my internal experience.

It was only fairly recently that I discovered, for her, it was genuine. And actually gained greater life satisfaction through it. And that shocked me.

Like, seriously shocked me.

Reevaluating life frameworks kind of revelation.

That sort of optimism and cheerfulness doesn’t come naturally to me². Much of the time it’s no more than lip service. Does that mean I should give up? Just accept that I’m not the same as her therefore so she can play the glad game and I won’t?

Here’s what I can say pretty unequivocally. Having hope is going to lead to much better outcomes than leading with despair. It feels better too. That glimmer of light at the end of a tunnel can literally save your life. I do not wish to downplay that. 

Hope is an essential part of living a good life.

That’s hope. Is optimism the same thing as hope? Is optimism the same thing as positivity? For the sake of this post, I am going to say they are not all the same thing. Exactly how they are different, I’m not entirely sure. I’m going to say that hope is more of a deep belief that things are going to be okay, even if they aren’t right now.

And here’s where I equivocate a bit. You know, beyond semantics and such.

What about consciously choosing to express positivity when experiencing negativity? Is that an essential part of living a good life? The research is a bit murkier here. There is research supporting³ this type of positivity and research criticizing⁴ it. So… which is it? Should I act happy and happiness will follow? Do I choose to laugh when I feel like crying? Or do I say screw it and forgo putting forth the effort of putting on a mask?

Here’s one problem: questions like that set up a false dichotomy. It assumes that one way is right and the other is wrong. I think it is more nuanced⁵ than that.

Let me be perfectly frank: I don’t have the answer. That being said, not knowing the answer isn’t going to stop me from presenting my opinions. What follows, therefore, is just my opinion. It is not fact. If it doesn’t ring true, ignore it.

There are going to be times when being Pollyanna and playing the glad game is going to be more adaptive⁶ and times when it isn’t. 

There is something to be said for “fake it till you make it”. (I absolutely hate the phrase, but that’s beside the point.) Sometimes you can either laugh or cry, and you might as well choose to laugh. Laughing may not change the situation you are in, but it can help you feel better. Other examples of faking it till you make it include things like:

You can have too much of a good thing. 

There’s this thing called cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is a fancy way of saying that your brain really doesn’t like it when you have two conflicting beliefs (or attitudes or values or thoughts) at the same time or when your actions and your beliefs (or attitudes or values or thoughts) contradict one another.

Your brain will jump through some pretty incredible hoops to avoid cognitive dissonance. All sorts of justifcations, rationalizing, self-deception, and yucky feelings.

Smiling when you are sad is a relatively minor example of cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is kind of a bummer to experience. And it can take its toll, especially in aggregate. It can lead to burnout. It uses up energy that you don’t have, energy that could be better used in other ways. 

Denying your feelings is a good way to create problems for future you. It can make the current moment go more smoothly, but sooner or later you are going to have to deal with the outcome of bottling things up.

There’s one other problem with all of this that I’d like to point out: if you don’t tell someone that you are struggling, how are you going to get help? Once more, I refer back to the purpose of this blog: so people don’t have to suffer alone, in silence. Isolation only compounds most mental health challenges. 

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There are times when I have expressed a struggle I was having and people (not just the Pollyanna I mentioned) tell me to look at the bright side⁸. If I’m being honest, I’ve done it to others as well. It isn’t bad advice.

That being said, do you want to know how I feel when I hear that?

Frequently, I feel worse. In those moments I feel like my emotions are not valid and that I’m wrong for feeling [insert any one of the multitude of emotions that might be labeled as “negative”]. At that point I end up dealing with the original malady, increased isolation (because I feel like I’ve tried to reach out and no one understands me), AND the shame of believing that my feelings are bad/wrong.

Toxic positivity is trying to maintain a positive outlook so hard that you avoid or deny negative emotions or experiences. Toxic positivity dismisses and invalidates negative, hard, or distressing feelings. Toxic positivity doesn’t allow people to experience their emotions. Toxic positivity shoves all of that into a deep dark corner and claims it doesn’t exist. Toxic positivity labels negative feelings as shameful and a sign of failure.

So what is toxic positivity? Is all positivity toxic?

To answer the second question first, absolutely not. I strive for more positivity in my life, even if it includes a little fake it till you make it attitude.

I cannot stress this enough: It is important to have a balanced approach.

Positivity is a good thing.

And you can have too much of a good thing.

How do you find that balance?

What…you think I know?!? I struggled to even come close to striking a balance between the two in writing this post. I’m not sure if I achieved it. Do you think I have the faintest idea what living that balance would look like?

I most definitely do not know. I’m still working on it. I think the answer to that is going to be highly individual and is going to take a lot of trial and error. 

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Footnotes

1. These are not verbatim quotes, and they may not even be paraphrasing actual quotes. But they are things I could easily imagine her saying. ↩︎
2. We could argue for days whether that is a result of my depression or the cause of it. It would be a fruitless endeavor and end up not changing anything anyways, so I will not be engaging in that argument. ↩︎
3. Supporting Research (Yes I know this isn’t correct APA format. You can still find the research from what I’ve provided here, and that’s the point of citations anyway.)
   Festinger, Leon, and James M. Carlsmith. “Cognitive Consequences of Forced Compliance.” The Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology 58.2 (1959): 203-10. ProQuest. Web. 6 Oct. 2023.
   
   Strack, F., Martin, L. L., & Stepper, S. (1988). Inhibiting and facilitating conditions of the human smile: A nonobtrusive test of the facial feedback hypothesis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 54(5), 768–777. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.54.5.768
   
   Bem, Daryl J. “Self-Perception: An Alternative Interpretation of Cognitive Dissonance Phenomena.” Psychological review 74.3 (1967): 183-200. ProQuest. Web. 6 Oct. 2023.
   
   Bandura, A. Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. Freeman (1997)
   
   Seligman, Martin E. P., et al. “Positive Psychology Progress: Empirical Validation of Interventions.” American Psychologist 60.5 (2005): 410-21. ProQuest. Web. 6 Oct. 2023. ↩︎
4. Critical Research
   Gross, James J., and Oliver P. John. “Individual Differences in Two Emotion Regulation Processes: Implications for Affect, Relationships, and Well-being.” Journal of personality and social psychology 85.2 (2003): 348-62. ProQuest. Web. 6 Oct. 2023.
   
   Nicole A. Roberts, Robert W. Levenson, James J. Gross, Cardiovascular costs of emotion suppression cross ethnic lines,
   International Journal of Psychophysiology, Volume 70, Issue 1, 2008,
   Pages 82-87.
   
   Held, B. S. (2004). The Negative Side of Positive Psychology. Journal of Humanistic Psychology, 44(1), 9-46. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022167803259645
   
   Susanna Maria O’Neil & Jeshika Gopal (2021) “Just smile and wave”: Workplace requirements and emotional labour of academic staff at a South African university, Journal of Psychology in Africa, 31:5, 470-480, DOI: 10.1080/14330237.2021.1978680 ↩︎
5. I really like the word nuance. I’m not sure why, but I think it is so rich and…nuanced. ↩︎
6. You can generally think of “adaptive” and “maladpative” is healthy and unhealthy ways of functioning/coping. The reason I don’t simply use healthy and unhealthy is because adaptive and maladaptive is what came to my brain first, and because there’s a subtle difference between the two that I think is informative. Adaptive and maladaptive takes into consideration the circumstances. So something that is adaptive in one circumstance can be maladaptive in another. ↩︎
7. Heck, if I waited to get out of bed until I felt like it, I’d still be in bed! ↩︎
8. Sometimes the person saying it to me was myself. Generally when I’m telling myself to do that, I’m not doing it very kindly. I want to work on that. ↩︎