Emotional Support Sisters

*I was planning on posting a follow-up to Rae’s post on intrusive thoughts this week. Then I read Missy’s most recent post. I started writing this blog post before I read Missy’s post. I was surprised to find she mentioned this very subject.

If I ever wonder if this blog is a good idea, I can point to at least this moment when Missy and I connected in a way that wouldn’t have happened otherwise.

---

(See if you can spot the dilemma.)

One of the most important things to me is keeping my word. 

(Some people may have already spotted the problem. You are my kind of people. Also, I’m sorry your brain works the same way mine does.) 

I try very hard to be someone people can rely upon. 

(Anyone else catching where this is going?)

When I say I’m going to do something, I do everything in my power to do it.

(If you haven’t got it yet, maybe this next clue will help.)

I have chronic depression. Depression that medication sometimes decides to just not help with. For no discernible reason. Sometimes a predictable reason, frequently not.

For those of you who have not figured it out yet (and honestly, I don’t expect many to follow my train of thought), I have a problem with commitment. And it’s not the typical problem with commitment that you see on TV (or in your basement). I hesitate to commit myself to many things because I don’t know what it will cost me to keep that commitment. 

If I’m to believe social media, a lot of people can commiserate with me on some level.

making-plans-when-youre-in-a-good-mood-vs-when-the-day-comes-and-you-actually-have-to-go-meme

I experience this. I am introverted and my idea of a fun time does not include “painting the town red”.

This merely scratches the surface of what I’m talking about, though.

This happens to me at work. I have passed up promotions because I wasn’t sure if depression would leave me with the necessary capacity. I hesitate to take on big projects (whether for work or for my own personal life), take leadership roles, and probably more that I can’t think of right now. All because I have learned that I can’t assume I’ll have the wherewithal (energy, stamina, motivation, desire, cognitive capacity, etc.) necessary to accomplish what I have set out to do.

Here’s the thing: I rarely drop the ball. Not just because I’m judicious with what I commit myself to do. It’s easy to keep your commitments when you commit to nothing. But, again, that’s not what I’m talking about. I try to be a productive adult and that includes making commitments.

I keep my commitments. The problem harks back to the whole “what will it cost me to keep the commitment” comes in. I don’t generally ask whether or not I can accomplish it (which I recognize is not the case for everyone with chronic illness). The question is at what price. How much is it going to hurt to grit my teeth, clench my knuckles, and plaster on a smile? How much am I going to be crying on the inside? How long will it take to recover from my masochistic determination? Those are all questions about how it will affect me, but I also worry about how my depression will impact other people. Will the quality of work I do suffer because of whatever is going on with me emotionally? Will I be able to hide my suffering so that other people will be comfortable around me?

When the commitment will affect other people, I ask what it will cost me to fulfill that commitment. I am bound and determined not to be the weak link.

When the commitment only affects myself, I tend to ask whether or not I can do it. This includes things like creating an organization system for my at-home office or learning a new hobby.

This also includes taking on this blog with my sisters. Yeah, that was (still is) a concern for me. Within the first month I’d already written half a dozen posts and was enjoying writing them. I’m stockpiling posts because I don’t know when the next depressive episode is going to leave me bereft of any emotional or creative juices.

Have you ever had similar experiences? Do you have any particularly successful approaches to this problem?