Emotional Support Sisters

As a child, teenager, and young adult I was driven, confident (maybe over confident), energized, and enthusiastic. As an example, in high school I went on a field trip to the state capitol with my then U.S Government teacher. He is now a representative. While we were there he introduced me to everyone and told them to watch for me because I was going to be a mover and a shaker in politics. Other examples of my drive and energy for life include my job history before chronic illness. I started teaching piano when I was 13. The summer after highschool I decided to work at the golf course by our house because I wanted to work outside. The summer between my freshmen and sophomore years of college I was a camp counselor at a special needs summer camp. It was one of the hardest, yet most fulfilling and educational summers of my life. If you are into personality categorizing I was a solid red, an ESTP, or choleric-sanguine.
In college I studied choral education. I was also interested in special education. I initially wanted to be a special education teacher, but after some soul searching decided I could be an advocate for special needs students in the choral classroom by helping to encourage acceptance in a mixed ability classroom, and still get to teach music which is something I’m passionate about.
I had 2 different life plans that I was excited about. Life plan A- Graduate college, get married, have kids, be a stay at home mom, teach piano and voice in the afternoons, volunteer like crazy at my kids schools, raise my kids, send them on their way, and then re-enter the workforce as a choral teacher, maybe get my masters degree. Life plan B- Graduate college, start working in the public school system, get my masters in choral conducting, start an arts school that also supports special needs students, get my Phd, advocate for better schools, etc.
None of my life plans included chronic illness.
Life plan A started panning out. I met my husband my sophomore year of college. We got married my Jr. year, and my Sr year I got pregnant with our oldest. We made a lot of sacrifices so I could stay home in the beginning. We lived in my in-laws basement for 1.5 years, which, for two very independent people, was not always easy. I also taught piano in the afternoons. Baby number 2 and 3 came quickly. I stopped teaching and focused on the chaos that 3 kids in 3 years brings. I also started down the path of chronic illness.
Fast-forward a few years and now I’m living life plan C. It involves a lot more napping and resting then I ever imagined I would need. I do get lots of snuggles with my kids, though. I rarely volunteer at my kids’ school because I’m afraid that I’ll have a bad day and not be able to fulfill my commitment. My husband and I have recently started talking about ways to fill my music needs. We have talked about me teaching in schools, or joining a community choir. I have been hesitant, because I’m always worried about having enough energy to do that and still be a mom.

Plan C is smaller scaled, and has an element of fear in it. Now instead of teaching large classrooms, I am teaching my kids. Instead of advocating on capital hill for music and special education, I am advocating for my kids in their classrooms. Instead of going through life with strength, I now go through life a little calmer, and with a little more fear. Fear of never doing everything I want to do. Fear of letting go of my past ideas and accepting new ideas. As I am learning to live this new life plan C, I have learned to live with a little fear. I have also learned to slow down and enjoy the simple things of life, to not judge others based only on what I can see, but to assume that everyone has their struggles and allow them to have those struggles without judgment.