*As a note: I wrote this last year (I wrote a whole bunch of posts within the first several months of the blog and have been posting them interspersed with stuff I write for the current moment). I am really glad that I did. If I hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t believe that such a state was possible for me. I don’t know what it looks like for you when things are going well. I don’t know if you also struggle to remember what that looks like when things aren’t going well. I hope that the next time things are going well, you take note of it.
When it’s good
Sometimes the stars align, the meds are working, the sun shines, and I feel pretty darn good. When it’s good, it’s good. I notice it in my mood, my thinking, my energy, my motivation, my outlook, and my interactions. My baseline mood is positive rather than neutral or negative. I’m not drowning in rumination or racing thoughts. I can make decisions. I am fine tackling projects: big or small, onerous or fun, boring or exciting. I see that something needs to be done and I do it. I want to connect with people (mostly people I already know and love, let’s not get too crazy). I appreciate the little things like the warmth of sunshine tempered by a light breeze, eating something that tastes good, and laughing. I look for ways to do good, mostly in the small and barely noticed ways that so often get overlooked. I experience frustration, anger, sadness, and all those other emotions generally in proportion to the situation1.
I know myself to be a different person when I feel good. I know myself to be worthy of love, and compassion, and that I add value to the world around me. I do the best I can with the resources I have in the circumstances in which I exist.
Some of you have read my post where I explore the idea of parenting myself with compassion rather than with fear. Some of you may even remember some of it. I doubt many of you will remember that I stated that the assumption underlying all the not-fear-based2 parenting is the assumption that people–you, me, children–are doing the best they can with the resources they have in the circumstances in which they exist. Since most of you probably don’t remember that bit, I will remind you.
Fear-based parenting assumes that a child will only do [insert good behavior here] if they are motivated by the knowledge that not doing [insert good behavior here] will be punished. There’s always an “or else” lurking somewhere nearby. Parents must be ever-vigilant adversaries thwarting their children’s attempts to get away with being naughty.
Not-fear-based parenting assumes that children are trying their best, even if their best doesn’t seem like much on the outside. Getting them to do better is a matter of providing more support and removing obstacles.
Amelia’s fear-based existence assumes that I must remind myself of all the things I should be doing motivated by the knowledge that if I don’t, I am bad. If I’m not on my guard, I will surely do something bad or neglect to do something good.
As somewhat of a connoisseur of crime-show TV, I can easily imagine this as a court scene.
Scene
Courtroom cross-examination
Characters:
Prosecutor: bedraggled and overworked but ever-committed; doesn’t want to see the defendant punished, just wants to help them live up to their potential. Through reviewing the evidence, the prosecutor has determined that the only way to help the defendant is to get a guilty verdict and strict sentencing.
Defendant: belligerent suspect; obviously guilty of every heinous crime they are accused of; weak defense in the face of the evidence provided; repeat offender who appears unlikely to change.
Both Prosecutor and Defendant will be played by yours truly.
Prosecutor: Look at all those times when you came home from work and took a nap because you wouldn’t bring yourself to address any of the tasks you should be doing.
Defendant: Objection. I said I couldn’t bring myself to do it, not wouldn’t.
Prosecutor: So you claim. Did you even try?
Defendant: I couldn’t so I didn’t try.
Prosecutor: Of course. Do you see that paint-by-numbers kit that is still in the box? You do realize that engaging in hobbies helps with depression, right?
Defendant: I don’t have the time.
Prosecutor: Yet you have the time to take a nap. When was the last time you worked up a sweat at the gym? When was the last time you even stepped foot in the gym? Everyone knows that exercise is good for your mood, not to mention good for the rest of your body, and let’s face it, the rest of your body needs it just as much as your mood does.
Defendant: I’m pretty sure that doesn’t work for me. I don’t know the last time I felt my mood improve because of a workout.
Prosecutor: Probably because you weren’t trying hard enough. When did you last vacuum?
Defendant: Uhhhhhh…I’m not sure.
Prosecutor: You don’t remember? Yikes. *to the jury3* Make note of that. How many freelance job opportunities have you turned down because you “just [didn’t] feel up to it”?
Defendant: I could probably look at my phone and count up how many from just this past week. I’m pretty sure the number is somewhere between dozens and several hundred4.
Prosecutor: And yet most people work normal 9-5 jobs. When you chose a freelance/part-time profession, didn’t you determine that you would treat it like a 9-5 job?
Defendant: I, uh–
Judge5: This court has ruled that it is unrealistic to directly compare freelance work to 9-5 work as the demands are fundamentally different. The jury will disregard the Prosecutor’s last question.
Prosecutor: Yes, of course, Your Honor. When was the last time you left the house to engage in social interactions?
Defendant: I mean, I went to church. I went to work. That’s social interaction, right?
Prosecutor: That depends, did you actually talk to anyone more than was absolutely necessary for the tasks at hand?
Defendant: Well, no.
Prosecutor: What are you doing to cultivate your talents?
Defendant: I don’t need to do that. I’m already either good enough or I can’t get any better so it doesn’t matter anyway.
Prosecutor: I’m quite sure that isn’t true, but we’ll move on. Have you done any acts of service in the last month?
Defendant: I–
Prosecutor: Doing just enough to not get kicked out of your house doesn’t count as service.
Defendant: No comment.
Prosecutor: Your sisters are busy with their children, husbands, and homes. Your peers either have full-time jobs in the career they have chosen or families. Many have both. Looking at your current state of living, what makes you think that you could survive any of that?
Defendant: Well I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have any of that, isn’t it? Probably never will because I couldn’t handle it.
Prosecutor: How many lightbulbs are currently burnt out in your bathroom? Why have you not replaced them?
Defendant: Half of them, but I do have a reason for it.
Prospector: You do?
Defendant: Yeah. I was wondering if they were all replaced at the same time and if they would all die about the same time.
Prospector: You let it be difficult to see because of curiosity? Very well. However, that reason would only explain about a week of waiting and watching. At this point can you just admit that they aren’t all going to burn out within days of each other and replace the lightbulbs?
Defendant: I dunno. Maybe.
Prosecutor: When, exactly, do you intend to put away that clean laundry?
Defendant: Well some of it wasn’t dry yet so I couldn’t put any of it away.
Prosecutor: It seems dry now.
Defendant: I’ll get to it. Later.
The jury unanimously convicts the defendant of being a lazy good-for-nothing but rather than punishing with jail time, they must be put on the strictest parole in an attempt at rehabilitation.
That was a fun little detour. #sorrynotsorry about taking you on that possibly unnecessary journey.
My point is, I feel that I must place myself in an adversarial role against myself, or else nothing would happen.
Except that isn’t true.
When depression and anxiety aren’t bogging me down, I do a lot more things simply because I want to. That can look like sitting down and playing the piano because I feel like it, accepting back-to-back freelance jobs because I know I can handle it and I want the work, taking out the garbage because I want to contribute to living in a nice home environment, volunteering to babysit my nieces/nephews because I enjoy spending time with them and I enjoy being able to give my sisters a break, or deep cleaning a bathroom because I like the feeling of a job well done.
When it’s good, I am motivated by an internal desire to accomplish, to improve just for the sake of improving (not for proving myself), to connect, and to live. My impetus is…well…doing the best I can with the resources I have and the circumstances in which I exist.
Fighting against takes a lot more energy than fighting alongside. Switching the script seems to be in my best interest. It doesn’t need to be diligent prosecutor and indolent suspect. When things are going well and I feel good, there is evidence that I am doing my best. Enough evidence to drop the charges against a wrongly-accused defendant.
Court dismissed.
Footnotes
- Unless I’m hangry. Then all bets are off. ↩︎
- I hesitate to label this kind of parenting. There are so many different schools of thought that I don’t know if I could choose just one. Instead, I’m putting it into a binary of fear-based and not-fear-based. ↩︎
- In case you were wondering who might be on the jury: myself, a version of my parents so harsh as to be unrecognizable caricatures of their true selves, a random stranger who is appalled at how little I accomplish, Statler and Waldorf (the heckling Muppets but they’ve run out of puns), a really attractive guy I’m trying to impress, the embodiment of my ancestors who all had it harder than I did and did better anyway, my busy and successful coworkers, a very disapproving Captain America, myself, and Dolores Umbridge. ↩︎
- Since you don’t actually have a frame of reference, I will inform you that I don’t actually know how many jobs per week I am offered but I’m guessing it adds to about a dozen or so, maybe two dozen, depending on the time of year. Maybe more. Maybe less. I really don’t know. I wonder if I should keep track of that. Anyway, “dozens and several hundred” is an exaggeration but one the suspect actually believes. ↩︎
- Honestly, I’m not really sure who the judge represents in this analogy. Now that I’m forcing myself to think about it, I want it to be played by Wanda Sykes. She’d put the prosecutor in her place very well. And would provide some levity to the scene. ↩︎
Emotional Support Sisters 
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