Did any of you notice that we missed posting two weeks ago?
That’s my fault.
I was supposed to post something. And I didn’t. It was something I should do. But I didn’t.
Which means now is as good a time as any to write this post.
I have a very complicated relationship with the word “should”.
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Fine. It isn’t all that complicated. I overuse it. I weaponize overusing it against myself.
It comes from a good place. It comes from a desire for self-improvement. It comes from a desire to be a good person.
It also comes from a place of fear. It comes from the fear that I am not good enough. It comes from the fear that I am lazy, I will become lazy, I am shirking my responsibilities, and I am a useless waste of space–one of those people. The kind who only frustrate those around them with their unwillingness to contribute to the world around them.
Fine. Most of the time it comes from a place of fear waaaaaaaaay more than it comes from a good place.
Probably the biggest problem is that it has been fairly effective. I mean, I graduated Magna Cum Laude from a respected university. I have a good career and I’m good at my career. I’m a generally likable person. I don’t live in a situation resembling an episode of whatever the latest hoarding TV show is. I’m on speaking terms with all of my family members. I don’t worry about the repo man coming to take my stuff. So fear-based motivation has been working for me.
Huh. I’m just now, in the process of writing this, realizing something1.
That all sounds uncomfortably like someone who says, “My parents beat me, and I turned out fine.” Was it because of the beating, or in spite of it? Huh, Carol2? And you now believe it is appropriate to beat children, so did you really turn out fine?
Before delving deeper into that uncomfortably clear comparison between spanking and weaponized “should”ing, I wish to expound more on “should”ing. You know, just in case you are a super-human who has never experienced this phenomenon.
“Should”ing on yourself3 generally follows this sort of format:
“I really should ________.”
This may be spoken aloud or only in your internal dialogue.
The insidious part is that the spoken message is not the entire message. What you are really saying is:
“I really should ________. Doing ________ would serve to prove to myself and others that I am a worthwhile human being, that I can feel good about myself, and that I am achieving success. If I don’t do _________, then I am a garbage human being, I should feel a great amount of shame, and I am the human equivalent of the milk found in an abandoned sippy cup when your youngest child hasn’t used a sippy cup in years–I had a purpose in life that I could’ve achieved but instead, I didn’t and now I have morphed into something deplorable.”
It’s the implied, second part of the message that really digs its claws into your psyche and parasitically drains your life force. It’s great4 when your to-do list turns into a why-can’t-I-even-start list because the “should”s have completely overwhelmed you.
I’m not going to give specific examples. I wrote a great big paragraph (that might’ve gotten me diagnosed with ADHD) of a hypothetical, but still based on my actual experience, “should” overload coming about. But I’m deleting that. Because I don’t want to give anyone bad ideas or make anyone feel like they get overwhelmed too easily or lead to someone commenting something that makes me feel like I get overwhelmed too easily. So no specifics.
In generalities, I can say that the first step to getting overwhelmed and subsequently paralyzed by “shoulds” is creating a list of things I should do (or not do) and things I should be (or not be). This list is mostly a running list in my head of all the ways I can improve, all the things I see others doing that I don’t do regularly or at all, things I’ve committed to, and a vague feeling of “there’s always more I could be doing and doing better”.
It’s a long list.
The next step is to look at the resources5 I have at my disposal and compare those to what will be needed to complete the entire list. Step three is to discover the large gap between what’s available and what’s needed. The following steps may vary from situation to situation. Frequently they include crying, trying to prioritize and finding they are all of equal priority, writing it down and becoming more overwhelmed because now I can actually see rather than just mentally envision my Sisyphean task, and/or retreating to some form of entertainment on my phone to try to down-regulate my fight-or-flight response.
Notice that none of those steps include actually doing anything I should do.
Some people find that doing the most onerous task on the list first is helpful because it gets it out of the way so you aren’t dreading it. This works for me when my resources are only a little less than what’s necessary. I can tackle that beastly “should” and then I feel that weight lift off my shoulders and I can move forward with a spring in my step.
When I am very low on resources, this doesn’t work for me. And I’m pretty sure a lot of people experience this. I just can’t face any of it because I know I have to face the entirety6 of it and I. Am. So. Tired.
Then I tell myself that I should be able to tackle this list, there isn’t any reason for me to be tired yet because I haven’t done anything.
I feel like this is where I’m supposed to give sage advice. I’m still in the middle of figuring this out. I don’t have sage advice to give.
I do have a little tip, though. This one is from Instagram. I can’t remember who. Sorry. It was a tip specifically for people with ADHD. I’ve tried it a couple of times for myself and I’ve noticed good things. The tip is DON’T do the most onerous task first. Do something small that feels, well, doable. The reasoning behind this approach is that the onerous task can be such a larger hurdle that our brains balk at even trying. Then nothing gets done. Not even the little things. Start with something small. That way you get something done. That way you make some progress. Once you’ve done that, see if maybe you can’t do something else on that list. Something else that feels doable. Hopefully, this builds up momentum and confidence and you can take on that onerous task eventually. If that doesn’t happen, if you don’t find yourself able to face more, that’s okay. You were able to face something.
One more thing, I ended up talking mostly about how “should” isn’t all that helpful in getting things done. I have grown up in a society that focuses a lot on what people do. It is worth noting that “should”ing also makes me feel bad. Yes, feeling bad impacts my ability to act, and is, therefore, inadvisable. But the mere fact that it makes me feel bad is important. Even if it doesn’t impact my ability to act. The ability to act is not the only important thing in this life. How I (and therefore you too) feel is worth consideration as well.
- This is going to take some unpacking. You’ll probably see me write another post just to unpack that. ↩︎
- My apologies to anyone named Carol. This was not a direct attack on you. Unless you actually do say those kinds of things. Then it is a personal attack. ↩︎
- There’s going to be a lot of use of “you” pronouns rather than “I” pronouns. This is mostly to protect myself from the pain of applying it to myself while I’m writing. If this is not a universal experience then I guess I’ve got egg on my face. ↩︎
- Please note my use of sarcasm. It is not great. It is awful. ↩︎
- These are emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, financial, temporal, everything-al resources such as time, energy (that’s a big one), money, will-power, motivation, supplies, and so and so forth. ↩︎
- This also hearkens back to toxic perfectionism. ↩︎
Emotional Support Sisters 
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