Emotional Support Sisters

I like to consider myself a more logical, rational, and mature individual than I was 20 years ago. Nevertheless, I must admit there are certain logical fallacies that seem to be hardwired into my brain and persistent throughout time. We, my family and I, refer to it as “socks and shoes”.

Getting kids ready to go anywhere is a challenge. I’d be willing to bet that this is a fairly universal experience among parents. A specific challenge I presented to my parents when I was a child was refusing to put my socks on until I had my shoes ready. If my shoes were not ready for me to put them on, I would not put on my socks. Sit with that for a moment. I would not be persuaded to sit down, put my socks on, then go find my shoes. Those of you who have gotten a gaggle of children ready and in the car know that it is not an easy feat. Now imagine one of those children adding yet another roadblock to this process. It caused strife for all involved. It was a completely unnecessary roadblock. I mean, really, it doesn’t really matter if you put your socks on and then ten minutes later put your shoes on.

While I did have sensory issues with socks (those blasted seams caused more than their fair share of tears), this wasn’t why I wouldn’t put my socks on without my shoes. I didn’t have a problem with the sensation of wearing socks without shoes. In fact, shoes just made socks feel worse. No, it was the principle of the thing. Before I could begin the process, I needed everything to be prepared so I could complete the entirety of the process.

Having only ever experienced my own thoughts, I do not know how many readers will see this and understand the imperative and how many will read this and need an explanation. I shall do my best to explain by illustrating other “socks and shoes” scenarios.

Would you start cleaning a bathroom before you had both the spray cleaner and the rag?

Would you want to start spraying before you had your rag wet and ready to wipe away the grime?

Would you begin checking out at the grocery store before you had collected all your items?

Would you propose an idea to a friend or colleague before you knew what that idea entailed?

Would you put away your laundry when only half of it was done drying?

Would you open your mail without being able to take the time to pay the bills?

Would you start writing an essay without knowing what your thesis was?

Would you compile folders (the actual physical files, with papers and stuff) before you had all the documents printed?

Would you start a sentence without knowing how it was going to end?

Would you buy a picture frame before you knew which picture you were going to put in it?

Would you apply to a school before knowing what your major will be?

Would you date someone seriously if you didn’t know whether or not you would be willing to marry them?

Would you start a blog with your sisters if you didn’t have plenty of material already written?

Would you begin a road trip without knowing your destination and having the hotel and such already booked?

Would you buy tickets to a play if you didn’t know who you’d be going with?

Would you buy tickets to a play that would require a road trip if you didn’t already know where you were going to stay and who you would be going with?

Would you preheat the oven before deciding what you were going to bake?

Would you plan a decorating budget before you know how you are going to decorate?

Would you move on to the rest of what you are going to write before you have written an exhaustive list first?

I answer all of these rhetorical questions with a resounding, “Only under extreme duress.” I am sure that some of you can look at this list and easily discriminate between which ones are logical and which ones are not. I can assure you, though, that in each situation I feel the same kind of compulsion ¹as I did to have my shoes ready before I put on my socks.

“Shoes and socks” can be difficult for me to recognize, because it generally occurs when I am experiencing an actual obstacle. In the archetypal “socks and shoes” scenario, I end up facing two separate but connected obstacles: I can’t find my shoes and I can’t put my socks on before I find my shoes. The first is a real problem. The second is only a problem because my brain says it is. In this specific instance, it doesn’t really make much of a difference if I choose to solve the second problem BY solving the first. If I find my shoes then it doesn’t matter that I won’t put my socks on without my shoes because I have both my socks and shoes and can go on with my life. It doesn’t always turn out that way. In more complex adult problems I end up hamstringing myself by an unwillingness/inability to move forward. I can get stuck. This happens with day-to-day things like household chores (I have to clean the bathrooms before I do laundry so that I can wash the dirty rags with the other high-temperature laundry but I can’t² clean the bathroom until after I shower because I don’t want to dirty something I’ve just cleaned but I can’t shower until after I’ve done the yard work because I don’t want to get dirty right after I’ve showered but I can’t do the yard work yet because we are out of big garbage bags so I have to go to the store first but I can’t go to the store because I don’t have any clean laundry³). It also happens in less concrete ways. I enjoy Shakespearean plays and have, for many years now, wanted to go to the Shakespearean festival in Cedar City. I haven’t though. I could. I should. But I’ve gotten stuck: I have to look at dates to figure out which plays to watch when, I have to figure out a place to stay, I have to figure out who to go with (because watching plays by yourself is no fun), I have to coordinate schedules, I have to figure out how much to budget, I have to plan my work schedule…etc. Any one of those tasks is moderately difficult but doable. Yet my brain says I have to know all of those things before I can start. Yes. I have to know what I’m going to do before I start planning it. I have to plan before I plan. I have to have a completed plan before I start to plan.

It makes my head hurt too. 

Do you see the problem? I see the problem. This time. I see the problem in this instance. It’s all the other times when I DON’T see the problem that are the problem. Or, rather, the bigger problem.

1. What an interesting choice of words for me to have used. Compulsion.  Like Obsessive COMPULSIVE Disorder. I hadn’t considered that this might play into my OCD. That’s going to go in the “things I should probably think about and maybe talk to a therapist about” folder. A folder which, of course, I will not begin to compile until I have all the necessary items collected, even though it is just a metaphorical folder. ↩︎
2. Don’t come at me saying, ““Stop saying you can’t. You can; you just choose not to.” You are missing the point. My brain says I can’t. Socks and shoes! Socks THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS shoes! ↩︎
3. Yeah, I know this gives off strong “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie” vibes. (A delightful book by Laura Numeroff, you should read it if you haven’t.) ↩︎