Emotional Support Sisters

Postpartum. The word that everybody says but the thing that nobody really talks about. I feel that we don’t talk about the postpartum period because there are so many different aspects of postpartum. Many of the aspects of postpartum are deeply personal or things that are not “proper” to talk about. Like having a sore butt (or incision site if you’re a c-section mama), the peri wash, the sore boobs, the clogged milk ducts, the extreme emotions, the exhaustion, your clothes not fitting anymore, your schedule revolving around the baby… There are so many hard things to adjust to after having a baby. There are some beautiful aspects of postpartum too. Like how you just pushed a tiny human out of your body that YOU created. That’s pretty awesome. And the love you can develop for this tiny human is so deep and lasting.

For my postpartum journey, let’s start in the hospital right after I gave birth. It’s around 10 pm and I’m being wheeled to my room while holding my baby. I get settled in my hospital room (with some help because I still couldn’t walk very well from the epidural). And then reality hits me. I don’t have time to take a breather. I have to take care of this tiny human even though I am exhausted and sore. I have to decide how I want to feed my baby– I decided to breastfeed and bottle feed. After that I have to actually figure out how to breastfeed my baby. She won’t latch for more than a few seconds and it is incredibly frustrating for both of us. The nurse isn’t much help either – she just keeps shoving my baby into my boob to try to get her to latch. 

To those who breastfeed effortlessly, I envy you. 

We ended up using PHM (pasteurized human milk) to keep my baby’s blood sugar up. If her blood sugar went too low, they would have to keep us longer. I now understand some of the reasons people do home births, because the last thing I wanted to do was stay in the hospital longer than I had to. The hospital was not comfortable. I wanted my own bed, my own bathroom, my own shower, and I wanted to be left alone so I could sleep as much as I could (there were people coming in to check on me every two hours or so). With that said, I am glad I gave birth in the hospital just in case something did go wrong. It’s comforting for me to have professionals just seconds away to save you or your baby’s life.

After what felt like forever, I was able to go home. I got to shower in my own bathroom (I didn’t shower the whole time I was in the hospital because it just felt gross to shower there). I felt a lot better after that. Self-care is so important after having a baby. But just because I was home didn’t mean everything was smooth sailing. Feeding my daughter was a HUGE struggle. I wanted to breastfeed her so bad, but she would scream when I would try. The feelings of rejection hurt so much that I had other people bottle feed her sometimes. This struggle with breastfeeding led to high anxiety around feeding times. We ended up going to a lactation specialist and she had us try a nipple shield. It worked better, but it was still a struggle to get my daughter to latch. I often had to have my husband right there with me just in case she or I were struggling. Eventually we discovered that my baby wasn’t absorbing my milk anyway, so I went with bottle feeding. Bottle feeding made my life a lot easier and allowed for my husband to take more feedings to give me a break.

Postpartum was especially hard for me when it came to sleep. As I’ve said in previous posts, I need my sleep. If I don’t get enough, my mental health declines quickly. When I got pregnant I knew postpartum depression (PPD) was a high possibility, and I was really worried about having PPD. My OBGYN was aware of my mental health problems and prescribed me a higher dose of my antidepressant for postpartum. This prophylactic treatment helped a lot, but didn’t completely take away the symptoms. I had the baby blues where I would cry at every little thing. That’s pretty normal for the first few weeks. My anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts, and feelings of guilt were through the roof at that time too– but those feelings didn’t go away like baby blues. I struggled a lot. But simply being aware of how I was feeling gave me a big leg up on battling PPD. Something that really helped me with my bad PPD days was to have another person with me so if anything became too much I could hand the baby off. But people have their own lives and couldn’t always be there. When I didn’t have help and I was struggling, I would sometimes put my baby in her bassinet or crib even if she wasn’t asleep so I could sleep. The mom guilt was strong when I did that. Amelia once helped me question my mom guilt by saying, “What’s so wrong about putting your baby down for a break? Are they safe? Are they fed?” It did not eliminate the guilt, but it sure helped me feel better about myself.

As my baby got older and I got better at the whole mom thing my mental health began to improve. It took a lot of help, and a lot of time. I was lucky to be able to call on family if I really needed anything. It really does take a village.

If you are having a tough time postpartum, it is okay to ask for help and take care of yourself. I recently learned that there are even crisis hotlines that will come and watch your kids if you need.

– Rae