Emotional Support Sisters

Whenever I ask my parents if I was a difficult child they say I was a generally happy kid and well behaved, but I definitely had my hard moments. They believe those moments generally came from my struggles with anxiety. In first grade I would cry everyday before school and frequently went home with an upset stomach. Miraculously, when I got home my stomach would feel better. The stomachaches stopped when I got older, but I still dreaded school and cried every single day. Once I got to school I was generally fine. 

I think I even cried one time at school over a math assignment. My teacher made me stay in from recess to work on it. I tried to hold my tears back but they just flowed – I wasn’t even upset about missing recess like a normal kid. It was the anxiety of the math assignment that brought me to tears. My brain would literally shut down if I didn’t understand something. Once my teacher saw my frustration and tears she let me take a break. This same teacher once noticed tear streaks on my face (from my morning crying routine), and asked me about them. I can’t remember what I said, but I think you get the idea of how unhealthy my situation was.

My mom eventually took me to my pediatrician, and he diagnosed me with school anxiety. I was given the option to take medication or do counseling to help my school anxiety.  I decided to take the counseling route, and it worked great for me. I had a school counselor and I would get pulled out of class to go work with her. All I really remember is that we read a book and I really enjoyed working with her. I also went to a counselor in a medical office and I enjoyed working with her too. I remember playing ‘Kerplunk’ with her. Each time we pulled a stick we talked about what made me anxious/how to cope with that anxiety (or something? This is all a vague memory now).  I was able to learn valuable coping mechanisms to help me do better in the mornings, and in my life in general. 

My mom also implemented a reward system which worked really well for me – I remember I was able to go without crying for a whole month and I got a hoodie as my prize. After all of the work we put in to get me feeling better, I was generally able to hold myself together in the mornings. The dread never really went away (even into college), but I had a good morning routine and I knew I would be okay once I got going. As I got older, the anxiety wasn’t just about school but with any new situation like trying a new extracurricular activity, a new job, girl’s camp, dates/dating, etc… situations where I didn’t feel like I had an escape. I still struggle with anxiety to this day.

The next defining moment in my mental health was when I went on a voluntary proselytizing mission for my church. On these missions you have limited contact with your family. One of my coping mechanisms was (and is) talking to my mom. The limited contact with my mom threw me into a depressive episode, especially when I got out of training and into the mission field (where I was assigned to serve). I lasted about two weeks in the field and had to come home. I wasn’t able to get out of the depressive episode by myself so I went to the doctor (funnily enough, the same pediatrician that diagnosed my anxiety 10 years prior because I didn’t have a “grown up” doctor yet.) and eventually had to get on medication. I really didn’t want to – I‘ll admit I took pride in the fact that I didn’t need medication like my sisters. I also saw all the medication changes my sisters went through, and it was definitely something I didn’t want to experience. 

I have now been on an antidepressant for over 5 years, and I have learned that needing medication is not a weakness. If you have a broken arm, you do what’s necessary to fix it. The same applies to invisible illnesses like depression and anxiety. Do what you need to do to feel better even if it includes medication.

-Rae